Anita Pallenberg is Dead

I have been trying to write this one all day.  It just still doesn't seem real. Last night, a dear friend from childhood sent me a Facebook message.  "Just heard Anita Pallenberg has died.  Are you OK?"

She was checking if I was OK, because not only was the late Ms. Pallenberg the Rolling Stones' muse, she was mine too.  And more.  In prep school, as a shy, geeky girl with giant front teeth, I found a girl who looked like me, but had power.  And as an adopted kid, she became my fantasy bio-mom.  She was my dead rock star guardian angel's one true love.  Surely we had to be related.  And surely I'd be recognized as something special someday, and rescued from my humdrum life.  In my novel I refer to her as Circe.  And that is something I fiercely longed to be.  She walked into a room and people noticed.  I wanted to know what that was like. She had power.  I wanted to know what that was like.  She was an actress and a model and a muse.  I wanted to know what that was like.  She was someone who walked through the world as if her desires were paramount. I could not even imagine what that would be like. She could be cruel, or kind, depending on her whim.  No one else seemed to matter.  Just whatever she wanted.  At 15, she was everything I aspired to be.

We have lost so many famous people over the last couple years, and of course demographically that will continue, but this one hurts me like no other.  I know for  other people the loss of other stars cuts deeper, but this one truly pains me.

This is her

this is me at 15 attempting to look like her

At one point during one of those celebrity doppelgänger games, I put up her picture as my Facebook profile picture, and even all those years after prep school later, I have to admit it made me happy people didn't know it wasn't a picture of me. I no longer wanted anything resembling a rock and roll life, but it was nice to hear people thought I looked like I could have one if I did want it.

RIP dear lady and thank you for getting me through the worst throes of adolescence.

this tribute by Keith is beautiful https://www.facebook.com/KeithRichards/photos/a.262061300505401.65715.126524600725739/1650362295008621/?type=3&theater

and this by Marianne Faithfull
http://www.nme.com/news/music/anita-pallenberg-marianne-faithfull-tribute-2088641

and these pictures https://www.theguardian.com/fashion/gallery/2017/jun/14/anita-pallenberg-the-original-face-of-boho-chic-in-pictures